he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
