I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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