Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
