I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
