I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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