i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize