Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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