I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
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I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
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It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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