My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
