omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You dont lie about slip and slides
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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