the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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