And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
