I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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