he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
