There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
