Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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