Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
