Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
