Apparently you make a good broom.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
