I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
