Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
