My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
