I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
