I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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