So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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