i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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