she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
