Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
