so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
