I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
