Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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