Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
