I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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