it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
