Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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