Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
