Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Congratulations! We have a period
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