I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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