Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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