today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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