Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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