so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
