I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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