There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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