Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
