My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
