If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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