One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
