I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
