i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
