I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
