It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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