sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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