you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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