I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
