Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
